Monday, May 25, 2015 ♥
8:15 PM ; Reflection
After tutorials today, I didn't think I would had a heart to heart session with Jacqui about my problems. It started off with asking to check my answers for the questions I did on the mid-sem paper. She was explaining them to me and halfway, I broke down and told her everything. I can't believe how she offered to stay and help me later for 2 whole hours!
Not once did she make me feel like I am stupid and she kept trying her best to explain every concept to me. When I didn't get what she's saying, she would try again and again with the look of guilt on her face, thinking that its her fault for not explaining well enough. I feel so bad because nobody would go to this extent to help me but her. I had to hold back my tears on so many occasions.
Walking home at 9pm, it suddenly struck me that I had done a tarot cards reading weeks ago. One of the cards said that there would be a lady who will come and help me and that I should not decline her help. In this case, I asked her for help but she went the extra mile to make sure that I do get it before moving on.
The IJ values also came up in my mind. I remember all the values the school taught me. "
Compassion, humility, integrity, perseverance and faith". None. None was in me at that point of time, especially perseverance. I googled the values and found out that the school had added more points. The one new thing that struck me was "Woman of Distinction". It is defined as "An IJ Girl is a Thinker, Leader and Communicator who is confident with humility, principled with compassion and cultured with grace. These were values that brought me through my high school life.
I need to reflect and act upon them again!
L♥VE. 8:15 PM ♥
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8:06 PM ; Disappointed
I am writing this post on behalf of the girl who wasn't me one weekend ago. I wasn't please of what I did and I know I should be regretting it but I am stuck in between.
I don't regret my own actions because I did what I felt was right at the point of time. The scar and memories will keep reminding me of how strong I used to be but how things can easily break me apart right now.
I just resent for causing harm to myself because afflicting pain is not the only way to relieve pain. It can only help temporarily, maybe just that few minutes or at most the hour. In fact, that harm would hurt like a bitch the day after!
Daphne is not like this. She used to be a bitch on the outside whom nobody likes or understands because she switches the whole words up. But now, she's just so vulnerable and let people affect her easily. Right now, she shuts herself up too.
L♥VE. 8:06 PM ♥
Thursday, May 14, 2015 ♥
1:20 AM ; Procrastination and Distraction
13th May '15
I cannot afford to procrastinate or be distracted anymore!
4 weeks till the final year exams and I am not even 30% of where I should be at. Yet, here I am wasting my time away on youtube, blog, facebook, candy crush and just other minor distractions. WHYWHYWHY!?
Just 2 months ago, I could spend 1 week on studying without youtube entertainment, using my cell or even just looking away from my notes.
I can't seem to find that motivation and drive anymore.
I think one part of that cause is due to my tiredness. I can't seem to stay awake and I mean stay awake, not feel tired-I-need-sleep that kind of stay awake. I do have a sleep disorder, I know that. I just need to be diagnosed to confirm it. Honestly, I have been taking supplements and medicines to fight this problem. It did work and I stayed up one week with only an average of 3 hours of sleep a day. But now, it's hard to stay awake during the day even when I am on the second dose.
I really can't afford to do anything else but studying. I have a really strong feeling that I am going to flunk my papers and I have to return to Singapore eventually. Part of me do want to return where I can be with my parents again, but the other 60% of me still wants to do this! I love being away most of the time, and I love being alone right here in this room with no commitments (apart from studies), no disturbances (apart from the heavy footsteps from upstairs, my distractions and food), and I have everything in this room to be comfortable in (including that double size bed which is just a pure temptation to my distractions)
I have to find that drive again! I have to seek for it before it's too late. 15th June will be my first paper and I can honestly say, I am less than 30% prepared for the exams. I just have to do it....
Goal set to myself now:
1. I need to stop all distractions. Even if it's just a youtube video or two. Only educational videos allowed.
2. Limit time of sleep. You actually don't need that much sleep. I know I am constantly tired lately but you have to pull through!
3. Eat less or no carbs. As you know, carbs are the main culprit as to why I feel so heavy, down and tired after meals.
4. I need to be on notes 24/7!
L♥VE. 1:20 AM ♥
Wednesday, May 13, 2015 ♥
10:09 PM ; Hey.
Hey.
This is 23yo Daphne of 2015 typing.
Isn't it crazy? The last time I wrote here was on the 24th January, 2011.
Throughout these 4 years, I have actually came back and check on how much "change" this space made or to read and reflect on the shit that happened in the past. I must say that I DO remember some of the things that happened. Amazing uh?
However, this is not the point of my return. I don't know what made me return to this place at such an hour and this time of the day in 2015. I really don't. "musicwithinme" came to my mind when I was reading usual blogs and doing my usual entertainment shit. I head back here and started reading my old posts.
Me, a teenager, venting all my daily shit about school, friends, relationships and families. I sounded really stress and I had major issues back then. But look at yourself now! HA! Stress??? Really?
Like they say, you never know what the future brings. Looking back, I was still really immature and bitchy lol. Honestly, I did change in these 4 years ever since I graduated high school but let me warn you, I did only change a little.
What are the changes?
- Relationships are no longer a priority or NEED for me. Maybe not even a WANT anymore.
- The way I react to a problem. Yes, I still do think of "evil" ways sometimes when I want to take revenge. Isn't that natural? You tell me. However, I used to react badly without thinking when I get mad at something or someone. Not saying that I don't react badly now, but I can't be bothered? I do think A LOT more before I react but I will go "argh, I can't be bothered to do anything" (although I do mind it but I kept it all in my heart and mind)
- I became more of a "I like to be alone" person. I mean, I used to be that way too but over the years, I find that when I am alone, I tend to create less problems for others and myself. Loneliness can only get someone as far as they want, but I feel that if you really do enjoy peace and tranquility, just know when to balance it out with accompaniment.
- You think you were depress at 16? LOL look at yourself now. One word: FUCKED
Anyway, I decided to return here because I think typing shit out would help me with my issues. It may not help miraculously or effectively but honestly, talking things out does help me relieve some stress in a way.
I have removed my previous posts not because I want to escape from it. I just need no distractions as I am on my journey to recovery now. Besides those posts, everything else remains even though some are just useless. I will leave everything else as it is and put all the past behind my doors.
I hope that by reopening this blog, I might get an hind sight of where I am heading to in my life. No one really read this space anymore and therefore, I do get to type whatever I am and still keep it to myself.
So this post is just a heads up entry. I would probably add more each day, no promises yer know. But I will my best.
DAMN I FEEL TIRED! -I actually knocked out after typing that ! sign lol!-
L♥VE. 10:09 PM ♥
